When it comes to seniors and driving, caregivers need to shift through 3 gears with a parent or other older loved one about maintaining mobility and independence while also staying safe. The 3 gears of senior driving are:
1. Driving Assessment (read the blog here)
2. Driving Retirement and How to Have the Conversation (read the blog here)
3. Alternative Transportation – read my article for PBS/Next Avenue on Gear 3: how to plan for getting mom or dad around.
When it comes to seniors and driving safety, caregivers face 3 gears that they need to shift through with older parents:
1) Driving Safety and Assessment (click here to read the blog)
2) Driving Retirement (read below)
3) Alternative Transportation (click here to read the blog)
This blog is about Gear 2 – perhaps the most difficult of the three gears and definitely one of the most difficult conversations you will have with your older loved one. In fact, one survey conducted by Caring.com and the National Safety Council found among aging Americans, “giving up the keys” is the least favorite topic to have with an adult child – more seniors would rather discuss their funeral arrangements (29%) or selling and moving from their family home (18%) than talk about not driving anymore (36%).
Knowing how difficult this discussion will be, how do you start? If you have already shifted through Gear 1 – an assessment of your loved one’s safe driving skills and found the results scarier than the video game Grand Theft Auto, then a conversation needs to happen. One study found most older Americans want to hear about their need to retire their car keys from a spouse (50%) or their doctor (40%) and one-third are open to having the discussion with their adult child. Caregivers may be the ones to determine when driving retirement needs to happen but it is helpful to engage either your other parent or a doctor to help your parent see the reality of his/her driving future. One thing is certain – the last person your parent wants to hear they should not drive anymore is a law enforcement officer.
Following are my 5 tips on how to have the conversation, along with some tools and tips to help with this dialogue. I call it the “Driving Miss Daisy” conversation plan:
I recommend if you are going to change the way your parent gets around you need to have a plan in place to keep them as independent as possible and feeling their freedom and mobility is not entirely gone. Going from driver’s seat to passenger seat is hard for your older loved one. Scope out alternative transportation services, costs, your ability or another family member’s ability to be the taxi driver, etc. Always be offering a solution when identifying a problem. The National Center on Senior Transportation is a good place to start with a lot of information, resources and connections to statewide departments of transportation.
In addition to researching alternative transportation plans, do some research about having the driving conversation. There are great tools available to help caregivers. The Hartford created a list of pertinent questions called the Conversation Inventory. Having this document shows your loved one this is not a personal issue where you are trying to punish them. On the contrary you have taken the time to research this issue and ensure together you can create a good plan for everyone. I also highly recommend videos from both the Alzheimer’s Association and AARP. They give you good tips on how to have the conversation. In one Alzheimer’s Association video, an older woman agrees to sign a contract with her family that if her doctor says it’s time to give up the keys she will do it.
Not knowing how you will remain mobile is scary but so is getting behind the wheel of a vehicle that can become a weapon of destruction. One way to really get in touch with how it feels for your parent is to download a senior driving simulator app called the Driver Seat Game. The game shows you what happens if you are an 80 or 90-year-old driver and the challenges of maintaining safe driving skills. One user posted this comment, “I want to thank you for making such a great game; it’s nice to know what’s it’s like to be in someone else’s shoes.”
You need to have a plan on how to have the conversation or the follow-up conversation with your older loved one if a doctor is breaking the news. One of the best strategies I have found is to compare your parent’s driving health to their physical health. As we age, we know our bodies (and minds) operate differently. We have to adapt as we face the reality of getting older. Driving is no different. It is impossible to think our driving skills and abilities at age 20 are the same at age 80. This helps put the alternative transportation plan into context. In the same way your parent can no longer eat spicy Thai or Mexican food without suffering painful heartburn or acid reflux, or your dad can’t navigate stairs as easily or your mom has to give up the stilettos for the kitten heel or flat shoe, driving is the same – adaptation is in order.
If there is one thing we can be sure about in this life it is that it is always changing. Change can be good but your parent may not see it that way. Ensure you help them see a long highway of freedom and independence ahead of them instead of roadblocks. What is essential to remember is this change in their life is about prevention and protection not punishment.
Note: This blog is an excerpt from A Cast of Caregivers – Celebrity Stories to Help You Prepare to Care by Sherri Snelling (Balboa Press, Feb 2013).
Help us reach 10,000 registrations by May 31 – it’s FREE. Sign up at the Alzheimer’s Prevention Initiative, an international collaboration to find ways to prevent the Alzheimer’s disease that affects 36 million worldwide. It’s about ADVOCACY. It’s about ACTION. It’s about ending ALZHEIMER’S in our lifetime.
Read our blogs this month about caring for those with multiple sclerosis and mental health issues.
Continuing our “Caregiver Wishes for 2013″ blogs this month feature information, tips and solutions on managing caregiver stress.
Caregiving Club realizes that caregivers have precious little time to read but we felt compelled to create our reading lists for you anyway. You may only read a chapter at a time or pick up the book once your caregiving is done. Or we hope those who have not yet stepped into the caregiving spotlight may read one of these books to help you prepare to care.
We’ve chosen our favorite books in the following categories (see below for full lists): Family Caregiving, Spousal Caregiving, Alzheimer’s Caregiving, Caregiving and End of Life, Caregiving Spirituality and Inspiration, Caregiver Humor, Caregiving Books for Kids and Caregiver Health & Wellness.
We’ll be publishing these lists twice a year – March and November. We chose those dates because March 2 is Read Across America Day – commemorating Dr. Seuss who was a caregiver for his wife. November is National Family Caregiver Month and since it’s right before the holidays we felt it was a good time to update our lists.
If we missed a great book you feel other caregivers should read, let us know. Email us at: info@caregivingclub.com.
And, don’t forget to add Caregiving Club CEO Sherri Snelling’s book, A Cast of Caregivers – Celebrity Stories to Help You Prepare to Care, to your library.
Happy Reading!
Family Caregiving List vMar 2013
Spousal Caregiving List vMar 2013
Alzheimer’s Caregiving Journeys List vMar 2013
Caregiver Health and Wellness List vMar 2013
Spiritual and Inspirational Caregiving List vMar 2013
Celebrity Caregiving Journeys List vMar 2013
Humor in Caregiving List vMar 2013
Caregiving Books for Children List vMar 2013
As our parents grow older 8 out of 10 say they want to live out their golden years in their home (and not in a home) – something the aging network calls aging in place. And while most of the 44 million Americans who are caring for a loved one over age 50 are partners in this grand plan, we typically run into two challenges that can impact the health of our older loved ones living at home (and often alone): falls and isolation.
According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) more than 2 million seniors are treated in Emergency Rooms from falls each year and every 29 minutes an older American dies from a fall at home. In addition, 40 percent of people over age 65 live alone, and often the sense of isolation, particularly after the death of a spouse, can lead to depression. More than 6 million seniors suffer from depression and older white males have the highest suicide incidence among any age group according to the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI).
Technology is part of the master plan for caregivers wanting to help their parent stay independent but safe and connected. When it comes to caregiving technology, I have what I call my 3 Ps Test: Protection of your loved one, Prevention from health risks (including falls and isolation) and Peace of Mind for the you (the caregiver).
One technology solution comes from VTech and is called the CarelineTM Home Safety Telephone System. I was recently asked to review this new phone system by BOOMbox Network who taps into the community of bloggers on aging and caregiving*. Here is what I really liked about the product that I think helps solves several caregiving dilemmas:
When AARP surveyed those age 65+ they found older Americans are interested in technology that keeps them safe – things such as preventing falls, turning off the stove if they forget, regulating the thermostat automatically, etc. Forty-six percent of these older Americans also reported they would be willing to give up a little privacy to have a monitoring device that alerted their family or others when they needed help.
Watch this Today Show clip on Careline and other caregiving tech products.
For more information, check out this nifty infographic from our friends at VTech:
*While I was paid for my participation in this BOOMbox Network campaign, I do not agree to review products until I have done my research to ensure I feel the product and company are credible and have something valuable to offer caregivers. All opinions in this blog are my own.
Continuing our “Caregiver Wishes for 2013″ our blogs this month feature nutritional health information and tips.
Water – Caregiver Health One Glass At a Time
Soul Food – More Than Meal Delivery for Seniors, Caregivers, Volunteers
Super Foods, Super Caregiving You
Following are book signings and other events for Sherri Snelling, author of A Cast of Caregivers – Celebrity Stories to Help You Prepare to Care. (Note: this calendar is being constantly updated – check back frequently for newly added events).
January 23, 10:00am – 11:00am CT – Interview on “Alzheimer’s Speaks” Radio Show Radio host, Lori LeBay interviews Sherri about her new book. Both Lori and Sherri were named to the Top 10 Alzheimer’s Influence list by Sharecare and Dr. Oz – Lori was #1 and Sherri was #4. (You can listen to the podcast in right hand sidebar on this page.)
February 21, Noon – 1:00pm PT – Interview on radio program, Secrets to Living Better @ 50Radio host Prudence Lay interviews Sherri about her new book. (You can listen to the podcast on the right hand sidebar on this page)
March 2, 6am-8am PT – Interview on KFWB-AM, “Dr. Chambers On Call” radio program
March 7, 4:00 – 5:00pm – Book Signing Event at the USC Alumni HouseUSC University Park Campus, Los Angeles
Free – open to the public
Attendees must purchase a book on site (only cash or credit cards accepted)
Parking is $8 per car (campus parking lot located at Exposition Blvd. and Figueroa Street)
March 12, Noon – 1:00pm – Lunch with the Author, Sherri Snelling, at What’s Next Boomer SummitHyatt Regency Hotel – Chicago, IL
Registered Guests Only (click link to register)
Books available for purchase on-site for signing
March 14, 12:40pm – 1:15pm – Book Signing Event at American Society on Aging ConferenceBooth 130 at the Hyatt Regency Hotel – Chicago, IL
Registered Conference Guests Only
Books available for purchase on-site for signing
March 16, 11:00am – Noon ET – Interview on WBOB-AM radio program, “Toula’s Tips for Caregivers”Toula Wooten interviews Sherri Snelling about her new book. Click this link to listen to the podcast.
April 18, 4:00 – 5:00pm – Book Signing at Alzheimer’s Association Central California Chapter ConferenceMontecito Country Club – Santa Barbara, CA
Registered Conference Guests Only
Books available for purchase on-site for signing
April 27, 11:00am – Noon ET – Interview on WBOB-AM radio program, “Toula’s Tips for Caregivers”Toula Wooten interviews Sherri Snelling about “How to Have the C-A-R-E Conversation” from her new book. Click here to listen to the podcast about the C-A-R-E Conversation from Sherri’s book.
May 2, 4:00 – 5:00pm – Hospice & Palliative Care Association of New York ConferenceDesmond Hotel and Conference Center – Albany, NY
Registered Conference Guests Only
Books available for purchase on-site for signing
May 4, 11:00am – Noon ET – Interview on WBOB-AM radio program, “Toula’s Tips for Caregivers”
Toula Wooten interviews Sherri Snelling about “The 6 Dimensions of Caregiver Wellness” taken from her new book. Click here to listen to the podcast.
May 14, 6:00 – 8:00pm – WomanSage Salon EventCenter Club, Orange County
Registered Guests Only
Books available for purchase on-site for signing
Thank you to the evening’s speaker sponsor, CareLinx
May 16, 5:00pm – PBS SoCal TV (KOCE)Sherri appeared on the program “Real Orange” to talk about her book with program hosts, Ed Arnold and Ann Pulice. Watch the segment here.
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May 22, 1:00 – 2:00pm ET – LifeCare Caregiver Network WebinarOnline – LifeCare client employees only
Books available for purchase in LifeCare’s Lifemart
June 4, Noon – 1:30pm – First Republic Bank Private Client Event, Pacific Club – Newport Beach, CAInvited Guests Only
Complimentary, signed books provided to attendees
June 6, Noon ET – “Unexpected Caregiver” Radio Show with host Kari BeritSherri will talk to Kari about her book and the caregiving lessons learned from celebrities such as Joan Lunden, Marg Helgenberger and Sylvia Mackey.
June 19, 1:00 – 2:00pm ET – LifeCare Caregiver Network WebinarOnline – LifeCare client employees only
Books available for purchase in LifeCare’s Lifemart
July 17, 1:00 – 2:00pm ET – LifeCare Caregiver Network WebinarOnline – LifeCare client employees only
Books available for purchase in LifeCare’s Lifemart
July 24, 1:00 – 2:00pm – Oasis Senior Center – Newport Beach, CAOpen free to all attendees
Books available for purchase at event
July 31, 8:00 – 10:00am CT – Alzheimer’s Speaks RadioRadio host, Lori LeBay interviews Sherri a topic from her book. Alzheimer’s and the Sandwich Generation Juggling Act. Both Lori and Sherri were named to the Top 10 Alzheimer’s Influence list by Sharecare and Dr. Oz – Lori was #1 and Sherri was #4. (You can listen to the January podcast in right hand sidebar on this page.)
TBD – Barnes & Noble Book SigningBarnes & Noble store in Fashion Island – Newport Beach, California
Free – open to the public
If you are or have recently been a caregiver for a spouse, this Oscar-nominated Best Picture may be too raw and real for you to bear. However, send your adult children, your friends and others to see it before it leaves theaters or have them put it on their Netflix list so they can perhaps understand the daily emotional struggle that is (or was) your caregiving existence. For Amour captures perhaps the most realistic rainbow of caregiver emotions ever committed to film.
A brutally honest and beautifully done movie by Austrian writer-director Michael Haneke, Amour stars two nearly forgotten 80-years-young icons of French cinema, Jean-Louis Trintignant (When a Man Loves a Woman – 1966) who plays Georges, and Emmanuelle Riva (Hiroshima Mon Amour – 1959) who plays his wife, Anne. It captures the crisis and decline of both the afflicted and their loved one when it comes to caregiving. Families typically encounter caregiving after a traumatic event, in this film it is Anne’s stroke that unsettles the satisfying routine existence of this octogenarian couple living in Paris. Haneke makes us voyeurs in this intimate story. We watch over subsequent months and years while Anne’s health declines with the film never flinching from difficult scenes of real caregiving such as incontinence, bed sores, feeding, bathing, dressing. All the while Georges struggles in desperation to lovingly keep Anne comfortably at home and honor her wish to never return to the hospital.
While these promises are made to appease the fears of our loved ones, it is the caregiver who suffers through the fulfillment of this wish, a scenario poignantly brought to the screen by Trintignant. While Riva is Oscar-nominated for Best Actress, and I am not detracting from her physically challenging role and stunning performance as a stroke victim, it is Trintignant that I felt delivered a quiet yet pitch perfect portrayal as the caregiver who shoulders the burden alone. He is physically caring for the woman he fell in love with as a young man (we see the early images of their marriage in a scene where Anne looks through an old photo album), but she is no longer this woman and the fear, frustration, anger and sadness he feels are like exclamation points that jolt us into thoughtful contemplation about quality of life at the end of our lives and the fall-out for our loved ones. Georges is gentle, sweet, patient but the marathon of caring for Anne and watching her daily decline is wearing on him – few people can maintain this level of saintliness.
While the film focuses primarily on the interaction of Georges and Anne, their 50-something daughter, played with just the right touch of petulance, fear and indignation by Isabelle Huppert (who is actually 59), is emblematic of the difficulty adult children have in understanding the decline of their parents. Our parent is vulnerable and perhaps abandoning us as death draws near and we insist on living in denial to their departure. We refuse to accept their “exit strategy.” The film also touches on the compassion of some home health aides and incompetence of others. We also witness the kindness of neighbors. But despite these interactions, the profound isolation and loneliness of the husband/caregiver, Georges, is the anchor of the film and is never more intensely felt than when he is plucking the buds off the flower stems at the end of the movie.
I found the most poignant part of the movie when the son-in-law asks Georges, “How are you managing all this – we need to do something.” Georges responds with, “You have a better idea?” In other words – family who are not in the day-to-day caregiving struggle have NO idea of what caregiving is really all about. For Georges there is no escape and yet you know he does not want to escape as much as change their lives back to what it once was. Georges has become reconciled to the fact that Anne is not who she once was. This sad reality makes the ending to the movie less about shock-value than about provoking thought. Haneke passes no judgment on his characters and neither do we. As we watch the twilight of Georges and Anne’s love story, we know that twilight will come for us one day and it provides the audience with a touch of compassion.
I found the Paris location – although we see none of the romantic sites that typically pepper films about the city of lights and love – ideal for the movie’s setting. The message here is that even in the beautiful, lover’s paradise of Paris, aging and death finds us all.
This is a quiet movie that should have all of us talking about caregiving. And it is for that reason I recommend families see it either together or separately to provide greater understanding to what all of us are feeling when it comes to end-of-life issues and caregiving. Rather than becoming depressing and maudlin, Amour is simply about life and the message that we must quietly accept death – we must face it because it faces us. In the end, if we have love, that may be all that matters. C’est la vie – c’est l’amour.
On Wednesday, February 13, a cast of characters will come together to fete the new non-fiction book by Sherri Snelling – A Cast of Caregivers – Celebrity Stories to Help You Prepare to Care. Following is the script for this not-to-be-missed VIP party.
The Location: Writer’s Den in the Bookmarks Lounge of the Library HotelThe cocktail party crew will take over The Writer’s Den of the Bookmarks Lounge – a gorgeous book-infused space with leather armchairs, warm fireplace and enclosed atrium to be found on the 14th floor of the Library Hotel in midtown Manhattan. Located on the same street – Madison Avenue – where Mad Men is set, in the shadow of the historic Empire State Building (where Sleepless in Seattle has its final romantic scene) and down the street from the iconic and appropriate New York Public Library (where Mr. Big jilted Carrie for take one of their wedding in the Sex and the City movie), there is no better place for a party about a book which has a movie/TV motif.
Location Location Location
The former is Sherri’s USC sorority sister – a long-running friendship with a bond which lives up to the quote, “A good friend gives you bail money, a best friend is sitting in the jail cell beside you.” Just picture Lucy and Ethel.
The latter is a newly forged friendship based on their projects together as Lotsa Helping Hands and Caregiving Club, that may not have the history of the first but has the depth of girl power with a lot of laughs and hugs. Think Tina Fey and Amy Poehler.
When you put Alex, Sherri and Brooks in a line-up all you can think of is Legally Blonde.
The entire production is made possible only through the generous underwriting of Lotsa Helping Hands headed by CEO Hal Chapel. He is our Mark Cuban for the evening.
The Cast: The VIPsAlthough there will be no red carpet, this is a VIP, invitation-only event for those in the world of caregiving and publishing or friends of the blondes. Picture the fabulous party scene from Breakfast at Tiffanys and you get the picture. Luminaries include: Joni Evans of wowOwow, Beth O’Connell of NBC/Universal, Sherri’s editors from Next Avenue – Gary Drevitch and Rich Eisenberg, Huffington Post and Jane Farr of ThirdAge, Leigh Haber from O Magazine, Steve Heyman from the New York Times Magazine and Ben Dickinson of ELLE, pr and advertising gurus such as Scott Daly of Dentsu USA, Sean Woods and Amanda Bonzo of RLM Finbury, Golin/Harris, James Grant of JGPR, Glover Park Group and Vincent Esposito from Media Planet; the healthy and caring team from The Monday Campaigns including Sid Lerner, Peggy Neu and Cherry Dumaual, corporate friends such as Michael Duffett of Canon and caregiving advocates including Alan Blaustein, CEO of CarePlanners, Robert Bua, CEO of CareScout, a Genworth company, Greg Johnson of EmblemHealth, Dr. Mary Mittleman from NYU, Gig Barton of RLTV, Celeste Carlucci of Fall Stop Move Strong, Rie Nirregaard of Omhu, as well as non-profit organizations and fellow authors and writers and broadcasters.
Sherri says she feels like a combination of two Oscar winners: Sally Field in her 1985 Oscar speech, “You like me, you really like me!” and Julia Roberts as she took the stage as best actress in 2001, “I love it up here – I don’t want to leave! I love the world! I’m so happy! Thank you!” With a group of Friends for which she feels blessed, and great reviews for her book, including one from caregiving pioneer former First Lady Rosalynn Carter, for which she feels giddy, this will be A Night to Remember.
A blend of celebrity caregiving stories, expert advice on what to expect when caring for a loved one, self-help wisdom for caregiver wellness and pop culture references to help the reader embark on a journey of preparing to care for a family member or other loved one. Click here to read more about the book and the author and read the advance reviews.
What’s Next Boomer Business Summit is an annual event that brings together the country’s top businesses and organizations that are focused on the boomer marketplace.
The focus of the annual event is to foster a cutting-edge community to explore and share products and services that will serve the needs, wants and desires of the 50+ market. It is where the country’s leading Baby Boomer strategists gather to introduce new research, products and services that truly represent what is next on the horizon for businesses selling to Baby Boomer and senior customers today. Attendees seeking to attract Baby Boomer customers will learn new go-to-market strategies and tactics, access new research, understand ways to reach caregivers (an $800 million marketplace), and learn methods to creating online Baby Boomer communities.
Continuing our “Caregiver Wishes for 2013″ our blogs this month feature heart health information and tips.
Me Time Monday – Heart Health Tip
Dianne McGunigle – Caregiver and Heart Attack Survivor
Sherri Snelling – CEO of Caregiving Club
Go Red – Best Friends and 2 Generations of Women!
Red lips for Go Red
Go Red for LOVE in New York City
Go Red Shoes!
